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Dr. Strangelove’s Dating Machine: How to Meet, Cheat, and Delete in Seconds Flat

By Madeline Zima, California

Tom was crying as he uploaded pictures of a vintage six carat pink diamond ring onto Ebay. By stalking her myspace comments, Tom had discovered his fiancé had slept with his best friend. “All I wanted was to marry her because unfortunately I can’t start a family with my hand.”

It always disturbed me that Tom used the same machine to work, learn, orgasm, and flirt with the opposite sex. And now, he was turning an Ebay profit of $200,000 from his breakup.

Technology makes the cynicism and truth about relationships too harsh to tolerate. My sister suspected her boyfriend was cheating and finally had the evidence when she borrowed his cell phone. His inbox had a volley of video sex text messages between him and his ex, Sonja. Adding to the sting, were a slew of flirtatious e-mails to his co-worker, Nancy. My sister felt betrayed by his cheating, yet was more hurt that he had never texted her. See, a 10 cent text message nowadays is the emotional equivalent of Godiva chocolates or a dozen perfect roses.

My own experience with a budding relationship was quickly terminated by a little billion dollar website called facebook. I compared comments a certain guy had left me with comments he had left other binary-coded crushes. He tells me he likes my deep eyes and then I read on another girl’s profile, “Oh, Candy, I love your deep eyes.” If a guy is a player, it’s harder for him to hide behind an M.O. when he can’t cover his tracks in the cyber world. If he says he’s caught bird flu and flakes on you one night, but the uploaded pics of him and Bimbo # 2 at Six Flags show otherwise, you know he’s not for you.

The upshot of technology is that all mystery is dead. There’s even a GPS phone you can give your spouse instead of trusting him. If your guy’s an ass, you better believe his myspace will reveal it.

Just look in his ABOUT ME section:
I am sensitive. I strive to make Mother proud, but most importantly, to be proud of myself. (Translation – I’m proud of always finding the TV remote control.) “I'm a man of few words (Translation – I’m illiterate.) “and prefer to show love with action” (translation - my goal is 300 one-night stands a year, what’s yours, baby?)

You’ll know to run the other way.

My character, Mia on Californication, is a master at manipulation and flirting without the aid of technology. She does it right. No pussyfooting on eHarmony.com or cyber stalking a stranger’s myspace. She is conniving, but she’s out there hurting and flirting IRL (In Real Life). I love playing her because she’s a gulp of fresh air. Nevertheless, no self-respecting woman who uses mind games to enrich a dull relationship can ignore the value of technology.

Want to get rid of a controlling boyfriend? Send comments to yourself from fake hunks saying how great you were in bed last night. Want to make your boyfriend appreciate you more through jealousy? Have a guy on myspace ask you if you liked the gift he gave you or thank you for a nice dinner - that is if the guy loves you enough to be cyber stalking you.

You can have people call you at set times to up your popularity stock on a date. All these new tools are both a blessing and a curse. A woman must be vigilant that her guy won't misinterpret an innocent text or myspace comment of a platonic friend. Technology can break relationships where mistrust will win out over finding the truth.

Cutiegirl143: So, tell me about yourself.
TuffStuff666: I’m smart, hot, and amazing. Let’s meet.
Cutiegirl143: If you’re so great, what are you doing in a BORED & LONELY chat room at three in the morning?

Tête-à-tête via instant messages is always fun, but beware, hours can pass by and you’ll find you’ve each said nothing of substance to each other. As much as you think you have flirted, there was not one lustful batting of an eyelash.

The main attraction of instant messaging is that you can be super-confident, witty, and coquettish even if you aren’t in real life. I am ashamed to admit I’ve met a few people after years of instant messaging. Making the transition from cyber pen pals to real-life buddies was contrived and awkward and those relationships had the same ending as the movie Dr. Strangelove.

WARNING: Technology may expedite dating, expose cheating, and ease the pain of breaking up, but as relationships keep getting easier, one may find herself robotically going through the motions, skimming only the surface of another and spending years in front of a monitor, where genuine human connection is lost forever.

SOLUTION: It takes forty days to break a bad habit. Start with introspection. Am I closed to human connection? Am I a text-aholic? If so, try to only call people for forty days. If you’re an internet addict, strike up a real life conversation with the guy next to you at Starbucks, who is also on his laptop. Chances are you are both in the Barack Obama chat room. Start small. Smile at strangers. Go outside and live—L-I-V-E!