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Dating Under Cover in Bangladesh
By Zannatul Lamea, Bangladesh
When I turned 18, I really thought I could finally take a sip of independence. After all 18 means you are legally entitled to be on your own, make decisions about how you are going to lead your life without your parents hovering over you - a time when you can stand on your own two feet, right?
Well, despite the fact that young people in Bangladesh are exposed to satellite TV and the internet that informs us about what other young people are doing around the world, being 18 in my country is about as different as it can be from being 18 in almost any Western country in the world.
While we have opened our eyes to what our peers are doing around the world we have not been allowed to open our minds. A conservative culture and societal norms form an opaque barrier - if not blatantly, then subtly - to what is considered liberal behavior and attitudes of young people around the world.
There are some families in my country that insist that girls cover their entire body except their eyes. Other families restrict any type of interaction girls can have with members of the opposite sex, and in certain rural sects arranged marriages are arranged even as early as the age of 13.
On the other hand, the elite class of my country promotes what many people feel is too much freedom. With an aspiration to imitate Western culture, the upper class goes to late night cocktail parties at posh spots even though alcohol and free and open discussions with the opposite sex is not widely accepted by the culture. Hence there is an array of divergent values and mores with the majority of the population being conservative.
So conservative, in fact that such things as choosing a partner for life, even at the age of 25, is frowned upon. Sex before marriage is totally prohibited both by our Islamic faith and culture. Those who engage in premarital sex or who fall in love and get married are ostracized by the society and considered to be nonconformist.
Cultural tradition dictates that when a girl becomes a teenager, she is taught not to have relationships with the opposite sex because a marriage will be arranged for her. The logic behind this is that a parent always makes better decisions than their children-who, it is thought, can be too easily carried away by spontaneous feelings of infatuation. Marriages consummated in love do not last, they believe, while arranged marriages are for life. Although there are parents who give in to their child's choice of a husband - it is often done with a forced smile and hidden sighs of exasperation.
These cultural restrictions, however, do not really stop young people from courtship even though dating is still not really accepted. There are no clubs or bars where young people are allowed to meet - even our largest city, Dhaka. So, young people settle for getting together at food shops or shopping malls. Hence love-birds have to remain content with sharing French fries at fast food joints, sipping coffee together at a coffee shop, or just sharing a rickshaw ride.
"While we have opened our eyes to what our peers are doing around the world we have not been allowed to open our minds." -Zannatul Lamea
But, if a couple happens to be spotted by a relative or family member, they can expect to be given a hard time. Not only is this considered a token of disgrace to the family, but a girl's reputation is at stake - even more so than the boy's. Call it gender discrimination or call it backwardness, even friendship with the opposite sex is strictly prohibited by mostly girls' families. And, if an arranged marriage doesn't work out, divorce is simply out of the question - even if the couple is a terrible mismatch. Divorced women are complete outcasts in our society.
While I respect my elders and the traditions of our culture, I also know that ignorance is not always bliss. Clearly the cultural restrictions have not prevented a rise in the number of cases of HIV/AIDS among Bangladeshi young people - nor have they reduced the number of early abortions in our country.
It's naïve to think that because there is no sex education in Bangladesh that students will not have it. Parents may find the topic of sex an uncomfortable one to discuss, it is a necessary one to have so young people can be enlightened about the use of condoms, and can take precautions to avoid getting AIDS and STDs.
So while turning 18 is an age-bar that enables you to get a drivers' license and cast your vote -young people like me continue to struggle to break down conservative barriers that prohibit us from having our own opinions and deciding what we want to do in life. I wonder when we will be allowed to open our minds and learn to give respect to others' opinions and behaviors so we can rationally decide for ourselves what is right.
